I first met Lin playing volleyball at the beach. Many of us students attended an event planned by our workplace, Morey’s Piers, and in that had the opportunity to meet dozens of international students. In this time, a group of us made a bold, collective effort to approach and integrate ourselves among a large group of Taiwanese students. While many of these relationships faded, I thank God for placing this on our hearts. We invited all of them to come with us to the beach and Lin was one student that I spoke with almost the entire time. We all grabbed dinner and watched the fireworks and from there, my friend Freddy and I walked Lin home. This turned into an hour long ordeal as Lin lost his house keys back at the beach eek. In our walk back to the beach, God truly solidified our relationship. We were all able to talk and learn about each other, even learning some Chinese. Then God revealed to me a small piece of how he had been working was when I learned Lin actually grew up Christian, but felt unloved and abandoned by God. He felt it was God’s will that he met us, Epic, in Wildwood and it was a reminder of the reality of God in his life. This brought, and even as I write this brings much joy to my heart. 

God continued to guide me towards Lin. During a time of group reflection, we were asked to write the names of every student we met, and pray over one of them. Among a list of 20 students I had written down, I circled Lin’s name asked my group to join me in prayer for him. I hadn’t been able to follow up with him since the day we met and felt fear that we had been forgotten or rejected. But God is like a thief in the night. That day, I saw Lin at the gym, and joined him in his workout. I invited him to join me for dinner back at our apartment and from there invited him to join us in a time of prayer and worship. While my heart should have been overjoyed at this opportunity God provided and the ways he worked in Lin’s heart to even show up, I felt disappointment in the language barrier that he must have experienced during this time. How weak and small my faith is! 

Fast forward to Thursday, August 1st. I had been occasionally meeting with Lin to play basketball, workout, and saw him at work. That night, some of my friends ran into Lin and brought him over to our place. It was then that I learned he was taking a trip to Orlando from August 2nd to the 8th. I leave Wildwood on the 7th. I was struck with pangs of shame. I lacked deep love for my brother and it showed. My heart may have felt love for him in the past, but when met with inconveniences and my own complacency, that heart was easily lost. My heart is so small, so weak, so human. The night before he left, he joined us again, in a time of worship, prayer, as well as a message. Again I felt my doubts arise. How much of this will he understand? Will he feel pressured to stay? Will he truly be able to meet God here? This is our last night with him! But God’s promises are always yes and amen. Afterwards, Lin came over to our place to say our last goodbyes. It was bittersweet. But as he was leaving, he said that maybe, the love he felt from me and from us was God’s love. He told me he needed community back in Taiwan and a church that loved him. I ask God to never let these requests and this brother leave my heart. 

---

See you in LA Lin 🙂

Just a heads up this post is a bit different. Last year, I was encouraged by my roommate, Andrew Xiao, to write my thoughts in order to help me process my thoughts. Since then, I’ve been occasionally storing my quiet times in a document for the sake of looking back on it. During times when I’m having difficulty processing, it helps me to discover what I really feel and to keep track of my thoughts and prayer requests that I would normally forget.  With that, I’d like to share one of my prayers with y’all. I was very skeptical about sharing this as I wrote it with the intent of keeping it to myself, but I think this is the easiest way to convey my heart and what I’ve been going through as of late. Hope it’s not too unfiltered and feel free to ask me about anything 🙂

---

Dear God,

It’s been very difficult to love on people. I take pride in that I am aware and can observe people, and while that has been something you’ve been able to use for his glory, I’m beginning to see how quickly Satan is able to twist it. I can say I’m being observational but that has turned into a euphemism for judgemental. I try to take notice of those who are in need of being loved on and try to be there for them, but it’s clear that I am wandering further from you because my focus has been shifting towards imperfections and attention-seeking actions in my peers. I haven’t been sitting with you lately. I’ve been relying on myself a lot and it’s been getting exhausting. I find myself slipping/messing up and I feel like i’m falling into a cycle of focusing on my works again. I need to actively search for you Lord. But even thinking that shows I’m focused on myself. I should sound more like, God please pull me out of this mess that I’m trapping myself in. Today during encouragement time, I found myself being encouraged for things like wisdom or maturity and that made me reflect on 1 Corinthians 2:1-5, in that Paul was so humble and pushed all the focus on the Lord. I’m talking about you and trying to point people toward you but am I doing it for you? Or am I acting out of selfish ambition? I want Philippians 2:3-8 to be a reality for me but it feels like my desires are heart are rarely 100% pure. There seems to always be a small piece of my intent that I can’t discern or that is impure, that taints any earnest and good intentions I have. I’m feeling burnt out because I’m trying to do things with my own power. I already lost sight of the goodness and peace I felt through abiding in you. Help me to fight the feelings of being overwhelmed through complete surrender. Let my worship be surrender of my life Romans 12:1-2. I think that starts with thankfulness, which I experienced during my date night with Jesus. You helped me to see just how far you’ve brought me, and it’s so crazy that I’m confident it was not by my works but through you and you alone. Seeing that my life has been cradled in your mighty hand brought a joy and peace that was indescribable. Yet the lies of this world pulled me out of that so easily. I’m not deeply rooted in Your promises. I am able to catch glimpses of the way you, my loving Father, sees me, and act boldly through my identity in that, but i just as quickly lose sight of those things. I’m reminded of James 1:22 – 25. I want to lean into your promises. Promises that I am fearfully and wonderfully made Psalm 139, and that I am created in Christ, to be a part of his plan Ephesians 2:10. And to remember that every single person I meet, is an image-bearing child of you. Leonard shared about the three parables ending with the prodigal son, and how we are all lost(sheep), image-bearing(coin), children(prodigal son) of our amazing creator. God, grow my heart that I would see your creation the way you do. Give me strength to sit with you and get to know you better. I love you God. 

JESUS CHROOOYST

Our team is composed of 31 students and 14 staff members. Our staff members all take charge of different teams such as prayer, evangelism, men’s/women’s time, etc. Halfway through the trip, our staff will be leaving, and the mission will become completely student led. Once a week we’ve had Family Nights, where the goal is to become more intentional with each other. Through times like these I’ve really enjoyed getting to know some of our staffers but have been more reluctant in leaning into the other students. I hope to seen have an earnest desire to get to know these brothers and sisters.

While here, we have been assigned disciplers and small groups. I’m still against this idea of such a structured and systematic form of discipleship. I feel that these relationships should be formed naturally and not having any choice in the matter made me fear lack of authenticity. However, God has been faithful and given me a heart for these brothers. I meet with my discipler and small group weekly and it’s been amazing to grow in relationship despite my previous doubts.

---

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Romans 12:9-13