December Update

The last week of December was the end of the classes however, my recap of that was included in the November update. This update will be a summary of the winter break so far.

Something I spent a lot of time doing this month was reflecting and processing a very specific moment from this semester. Through conversations with some of the people around me, I came to realize it was something I had taken very little time to do. This past year was quite eventful and for the most part, I failed to slow down and sit still. Ultimately, I’m thankful for the lessons I learned and the healing I was able to find in God.

Reflection

A couple months ago, my family and I experienced a loss that was very unexpected and heartbreaking. I remember receiving a text while I was meeting with a student to prepare for a bible study. I was struck with confusion and disbelief, and simply carried on because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know who to share this with, how to handle my emotions and most of all I didn’t know what to think of God. I continued to be diligent in my readings and tried to remain disciplined but found myself wanting to distance myself from God. I did my best to continue to fulfill my responsibilities but found myself afraid of sitting still and being by myself. I avoided these emotions and thoughts and didn’t face them until the day of the funeral.

It felt like every day that passed, God was calling out to me. There were passages about rejoicing in suffering, conversations about sharing our burdens with one another, and sermons that felt like they were written for me and my exact situation. I spent weeks running away from these things not knowing why but ultimately, God dragged me back to Him.

I personally had never experienced such emotional distress before in my life. Reflecting on my experience I see such beauty and care in God’s plan for my family and I. I realize how important it is to mourn and to acknowledge my weakness. I see that no matter how far I may feel from God, He is always there. I was so encouraged by the faith my family displayed, and the love and prayers of my community. In the moment, I could only see how little my faith was and how helpless I felt. Looking back I see that God was humbling me and in fact growing my faith. The doubts and uncertainties I held were a part of his greater plan to remind me of my need for Him, while continuing to raise me up.

While these were things I personally learned as a result of this loss, God has displayed his sovereignty over the entire situation. The ways in which He has already used this death for His kingdom and glory continue to bring me to worship Him. Despite my tiny faith, it is clear to see how wonderful His plans can be.

I wanted to acknowledge that I didn’t share too many personal details and apologize. I felt it wasn’t my place to share everything but wanted to be honest and transparent with you all about my own journey during this time.

In regards to my ministry, God taught me how difficult it is to take my own advice. Countless times I have had conversations and walked with students who are struggling. Every time I ask them to turn to God in prayer with everything they are carrying, whether it be fears, doubts, insecurities, or even anger at God. I often encourage my students to do their best to share openly without fear of judgement or burdening me yet, I fell victim to those exact fears. I was reminded of the importance of leaning on others and learned the importance of opening up to my students. I have never more deeply hoped and trusted in heaven and my heart breaks in a new way for those who do not have this same hope. God has reminded just how desperately the world, in all it’s brokenness, needs his good news.