It’s a bit of a long one sorry but scroll to the bottom for the tldr

Prior to stepping into ministry, I believe I was aware of the weight and responsibility that I would carry. Living this life that has been almost fully funded by people around me and with my sole work responsibility being serving God through this ministry has made it clear to me that the weight of my role is much greater than I anticipated. I am so often in a state of restlessness and my thoughts are clouded and filled with uncertainty. The greatest trial I have found in ministry has been within my own heart. The shame of sin is greater when I think of my position and remember how miraculously God worked to place me where I am. My imperfections not only as an intern but also as a friend, roommate, and brother have cause me stumble back into lies that I don’t belong in the place God has placed me. Although it has only been a month, and I’m sure there are many more trials to come, I am beginning to understand the consequences of failing to abide in Him. Daily, I am reminded of my shortcomings and the weakness of my flesh. There is no getting around or escaping this blinding truth. Therefore, only by daily resting in his forgiveness and mercies that are new every morning can I be set free. Free from the futile struggle of self righteousness, free from the works of my hands, free from the shame of my sinfulness. While the shackles of these struggles are real, the love of Jesus is eternally victorious. My desire is to be constantly empowered and strengthened by his grace. My hope is that his grace would fill and fuel me to obey his commands and enable me to serve Him. Before I continue, I wanted to share a small testimony in which God sparked said desires and hopes ^^

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During the process of support raising, I found myself caught up in working and doing. Blinded by a financial goal I attempted to move forward solely by my own hard work. The problem was, it was working. I was steadily approaching my financial goal and the people around me continued to shower me with love and prayer. Despite the fact that I was slipping further into my sin and into feelings of inadequacy, God continued to provide. While I should have been grateful and in light of that grace, turned back to his arms, I instead was filled with crushing guilt and insecurity. I felt that I had somehow manipulated people or that they gave to me because they falsely thought I was good. I thought maybe church members only gave because they saw me serving at church or maybe family members only gave because they felt pressured. Maybe students and their families only gave because I put on such a good act within Epic.(In reflection, I assumed people thought i was good what a prideful thought lol). This changed specifically through one woman who supported me. For the sake of anonymity she won’t be named but I didn’t personally know her at all. I later found she had some connection to a family member but regardless, she didn’t know who I was. She has no idea what Epic was and the extent of my works in it. She doesn’t know how consistently I have been attending church. She doesn’t even know what my voice sounds like. Despite these things, she gracefully gave. She gave in faith. Faith not in me but in Him. As these realities began to settle in my mind, my heart was broken and the lies and failed expectations I had built for myself were torn down. I began to see that all these people who had given placed their hopes on God and not on me(kinda obvious now but im dumb). While the reality of my weakness and shortcomings did not change, the posture of my heart was shifted and I could only sing his praises. God in his wisdom not only humbled me, but he did it while continuing to provide for me and allowing me to serve Him in the way I desired(Epic).

All this to say, I will continue to be flawed and make mistakes throughout my time serving this ministry. I will try my best and strive day by day to run the race, but I can rest in Him despite my imperfection, for I can confidently say that at the very least, I am and will always be a living testimony of his mercy, his grace, and his love.

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It’s a bit late but I wanted to announce that I am fully funded by the grace of God!! Thank you all, not only those of you who gave financially, but to those who have lifted me up in prayer and spent time caring for my heart. You are all a part of my ministry! I will do my best to faithfully update this blog and keep you connected to all the amazing things that the Lord is doing here. God Bless 🙂